I woke up today and realised something was different…Today was going to be the first day of the rest of my life. Time to make some changes…the smoking has got to go, the emotional carrot cake obsession needs to be replaced, my whinging and moaning about how crap my life is…needs to be pushed out the door. I am not a ‘Victim’ of my situation. No-one is we all have a ‘Choice’ as to how we are going to react and manage things…for me its time to get my priorities right and start replacing some bad habits with some good habits. I cant just lounge around waiting for the ‘motivation’ to hit me like lightening. I have to get up and start moving for myself… as I am going along, maybe then the so called ‘motivation’ will strike. but I will not be dependent on an illusion anymore…for that is what ‘motivation’ is… it is an illusion…when we are lucky it gives us a boost to last that day, or the next few days, or even a month but it doesn’t last! Instead most of the time it gives us all an ‘out’ to procrastinate, stagnate, sit on our couch and do ‘fuck all’ whilst we are waiting for this illusive force to come and strike us. But sometimes you need to take matters into your own hand and this is where I am today. Today is the beginning of the rest of my life and every day from now on will be the beginning of the rest of my life…Everyday that I am breathing I have an ‘opportunity’ to do something better, be better, conquer my fears, overcome my temptations and that alone is my motivation.

Ok so instead of embellishing ‘over’ the issue…which I tend to do, let me get straight down to the nitty gritty. As I have already mentioned my one vice in weight loss is carrot cake…with loads of icing and a steaming hot chocolate mocha’s… with full cream milk, I must add.

Though I don’t know exactly why…there is something about going to a funky modern cafe and sitting in the window seat watching the world go by as other people go busily about their perfect lives…that calms me especially when mine is not so perfect.

My husband rings up and uses his usual manipulative and un-relenting tirades, I am feeling harassed, guilty, like its ALL my fault, even defeated, so I go to the cafe…

I find out my house is going to sell for a lot less then what we had first been quoted, I am scared, frustrated, I go to the cafe…

I am wracked in debt and the credit card companies come knocking, I have no idea where the next minimum payment is going to come from, I am scared, overwhelmed, so I go to the cafe…

I get on the scales and the digit hasn’t moved an inch I am feeling upset, frustrated, and again defeated so I go to the cafe…

I am behind in my studies…so far behind that it is hopeless to think that I will ever be able to catch up and I know its going to be another term I have failed, I am overwhelmed, again defeated, feeling like its all out of control, so I go to the cafe…

As soon as my life seems somehow out of my own control, Like I am falling into a bottomless pit and there is no-one there to catch me, I am alone, afraid, defeated, resigned to my fate, I go to the cafe.

It is usually always carrot cake and a hot mocha very rarely do I deter from my source. I don’t exactly know why?. In fact many a time, I have gone to the cafe and they haven’t had carrot cake available so I have walked out! That’s how important it is for me. I have always liked carrot cake it would have to be my favourite cake in the whole wide world and have only recently discovered mochas as an alternative to coffee.

I started eating carrot cake after one of my very first jobs started going sour. I was 17 and working at an Specialist Eye Clinic with stuffy doctors and ‘catty’ female work mates. It was the kind of environment where if you weren’t in the ‘click’ you were ousted at every opportunity and I just didn’t seem to fit into their ‘company culture’. Everything I did was wrong…even when I tried to use initiative and get ahead of my work, I got chastised by my supervisors…They would jump down my throat whenever I did anything wrong but never even acknowledge when I did most things RIGHT. This i believe was the start of my ‘breaking’ as a person and an optimistic visionary. You see…I had just returned from an amazing journey travelling solo around the world and spending 6 months in Africa voluntarily teaching in a school in one of the slum areas there but arriving back in Australia and starting work at this place in particular… from the first day, I felt boxed in with their expectations but the problem was; no matter I hard I tried I just never could live up to them. Needless, to say I hated every minute of it and every day I would go down to the nearby Hospital cafeteria and purchase…yes you guessed it Carrot Cake.

Lately, I don’t turn to chocolate…or perhaps I do in a way as there is chocolate syrup in a mocha…But in my head, chocolate is WRONG WRONG WRONG! If I eat chocolate, even a bite, I kick myself so hard…”Your a stupid idiot Flab you have just undone all the good you are trying to do”…As much as eating chocolate would probably send me straight back to the cafe for carrot cake and a mocha hehehe! I guess in this I am guilty of having a deprivation mentality. For me trips to the cafe have become a necessary evil. I justify cake cause hey…it’s flour and grated carrot…ok it probably has quite a bit of sugar and butter but at least it gives the illusion of ‘healthy’.

One thing I do need to mention…I usually don’t have a whole piece of carrot cake…Oh NO I couldn’t do that! I usually have the top half…with the icing. and give the rest to my kids or whoever happens to be with me at the time…I guess that’s where the lap-band kicks in. Cause a full 1/12th of cake fills me like a main meal in-fact even the half of the piece fills me. It is rare that I EVER have a whole piece especially when I have the mocha as well. But, on closer thought I don’t think it is so much the mocha and carrot cake as just the environment, and illusion of feeling like all is well with the world when I am sitting at the cafe…Its a reminder for me of another time long before…

Probably THE happiest times of my life… at university, 8 years ago, when, in-between subjects, I would meet my small select group of university mates at the on-campus cafe. There we would have a smoke and drink coffee occasionally share a slice of something (if we could afford it that day)…We would joke, laugh, tease each other, dream of our wonderful futures…They accepted me and I them. We were a strange bunch really, a cigar smoking blond, a recently out gay man, a Chinese exchange student, and the coloured girl with identity issues…ME! But that time of my life was pretty well perfect. I was young, full of vision, and passion I was going to change the world. I wasn’t pretending…just being myself and doing great at UNI…straight ‘A’ student actually. I even got an invitation to the ‘Golden Key International Honours Society’. The world was my oyster and I was going to do and experience everything. Its funny really, its the only time in my whole life where I can remember that I actually felt completely ‘Happy’…sitting outside that same old cafe with all my friends smoking, drinking coffee and feeling complete. I wish I was that girl again…but adulthood and pain reared its ugly head. I realise I can never go back…just forward and its up to me to make the most of what I have now which does include two very important new additions in my life…my kids.

So I cant pinpoint exactly WHY carrot cake and a mocha. But I believe going to the cafe is more of a ‘lifestyle’ thing A. It gets me and the kids out of the house; B. It makes me feel like all is ok with the world and ALL is going to be ok with me; C. and the Carrot Cake they make Is damn yummy!

ok…so for some serious stuff! I have always been a ‘big’ girl since I was about 8 years old…although in my early years I was never ‘obese’ just ‘the chubby girl’… although it maybe doesn’t seem it…I have always had a low self esteem when it comes to my looks/weight. At school, my friends all had boyfriends, except me, and it was easier to put it down to my weight then anything else.  You see, I was brought up an ‘adopted’ child, in a ‘white’ family and have lived most of my life in a ‘white’ centric environment (ie all the people, friends, family, acquaintances I was surrounded with were ‘white’). To all sense and purposes I was white however, my birth dad (who I never met till later in life) was african which is, obviously (unless your colour blind), where I get my colour.  I think my putting on weight was as a responce to my insecurities about my place in this world it was easier to put the fact that no one was attracted to me, that I didn’t fit in, that I was different, down to my weight…which obviously is changeable rather than my colour, which I can’t do anything about.  The fact that I always stood out like a sore thumb amongst the people I hung out with did nothing to build my fragile self esteem.

I put on the majority of my weight in the last 10 years after falling in and out of abusive relationships and about 3 years ago shortly after the birth of my eldest son,  I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, a lifetime condition of which I am taking medication for. After further investigation of my birth parents I found out that thyroid problems run in the family on my birth mothers side.  So it is very possible I have had this condition for most of my life although only known about it for the last few years. My mother notes that when I was a child I had exactly the same strictly controlled diet/portions as my brother…but he stayed as slim as a rake and I just seemed to keep on putting on weight…she wonders if the hypothyroidism was the cause of this.

It is interesting to note that at 16 I lost a lot of weight by walking excessively and dieting but when my parents told me that a friend of my brother had ‘noticed’ that i was blossoming and looking really beautiful, instead of feeling good/encouraged…I felt vulnerable, exposed, like people could actually see me and I could no longer hide behind my weight.  So I put it all back on again. My biggest fear is that I will do this again…its like I am actually scared to be slim.  I don’t want to be rejected for any other reason other than my weight and that I think is why I sabotage myself all the time.

With regards to my ‘Relationship’ with food, if you haven’t guessed already…I love food! It has been a big part of my life for so long. I don’t emotionally eat, as such. However, I DO emotionally drink (gotta watch that!, don’t want to add alcoholism to my many list of vices). And funny enough I don’t binge eat chocolates, chips, and yummy stuff, not anymore anyway… But I eat cause I can, cause its there I guess you could say I am a compulsive eater. To coin a corny phrase my eyes has always been too big for my tummy!  Sometimes (pre-lapband) it was like I didn’t have an OFF button.  Even now, I can eat and feel full but if there is still food left on my plate, or easily accessible, I continue eating. It has become like an instinctive reaction, until I eventually become aware of what I am doing in which case I DO stop. Its like my mind tells me I MUST eat just incase of a famine coming tomorro.  I can be doing things around the house and if I come across a bag of biscuits etc or anything else, absently, I will pick one up and start eating without thinking half the time. Which is a big reason why I have the ‘no yummy food in the house’ rule. As I have mentioned in my previous post, when I go out, it is a different story, to see something yummy for sale and actually walk past is an ongoing struggle to say the least…I am getting much better at this though.

Having lapband has certainly inhibited my capacity to eat to a certain extent, because if I overeat I suffer the consequences later…ie shoulder pains, productive burps etc. Lap-band has particularly controlled the portions of my ‘main’ meals and has been successful in stopping the weight gain and helping me loose the majority of weight so far. But it doesn’t stop the ‘grazing’ and it doesn’t help my ‘depression’ or lack of motivation to exercise etc which I think is my major problem at present. I loose weight when I exercise…when I don’t, I just plateau which is where I have been over the past 4 months. With everything going on in my life, and all the stresses and pressure I am under with my business frustrations, and property/divorce proceedings, it has really affected my ability to get up and out of the house…

My reasons for loosing weight have been based on health and lifestyle…but I also want to know what it feels like to ‘think I am beautiful’ and that my body is beautiful.  Don’t get me wrong I know I am beautiful, my face is, at least…but I hate my body…it is U-G-L-Y.  For me the ultimate validation that I am ok and that my ’skin’ colour is ok is to attract a stud; a tall, WHITE, muscle bound, eye candy, hunk…hehehe! Call me vain, I know…

I am not looking to loose so much weight its unhealthy I would be happy to get down to a size 10/8 (US sizes) but I guess I am sick of everybody looking at me THAT way…and thinking I’m a slob, glutton. Actually…I am more sick of thinking that about myself.  I want people to notice me for reasons other than my weight.  I want ME to notice me and be proud for once instead of horrified when I look down.  I am finally getting to that point where I want to break free of my fears of being slim and getting noticed I just don’t know how to do that. I feel like I have hit a wall in my own growth, and weight loss journey. The ‘mind stuff’, it seems has been holding me back from breaking through, from achieving what I know is mine to achieve.

I guess in a big way I am searching for personal validation through loosing weight I don’t know whether it is a good or bad thing but it HAS been my motivation to this point but maybe not enough to continue. Which is why I have been talking with Kellee to sort through these issues.

Hi guys just a reminder that in less than 4hours (9pm USA EDT) I will be sitting all by my lonesome in the chat room of this site

. If you are free and feel like a chat please join me I would love to meet you. Talk soon!