Hi y’all! It’s been a busy couple of days for me. I have been working on the site a heap so if you visit again you will notice a major addition…Namely, a Chat room where I will be endeavouring to be ‘online’ at 9pm EDT every Saturday Evening. Actually, I have been thinking a lot about my blog and how I can make it different, interesting, informative and so much MORE than just another blog site, for you all so I have decided to ‘up the anti’….

As you all know, I have been very candid about my life and experiences to date and it was very important to me that I continue to do so, however, I think its time for us to go to the next level…and take it deeper. (hehehe…pity I am not actually saying THOSE words to a man!) I want you all to be a big part of my journey but more than that…My desire is that in knowing me you will have the opportunity to learn and grow with me. So, after a couple of wines to build up the courage…no just kidding (I haven’t actually drunk anything in over a week now…quite an achievement for me…if you haven’t noticed already!) I asked my Therapist/Weight Loss Coach if she would be prepared to continue our sessions in a more ah…’public’ manner. To my surprise, she agreed! In the time that I have been communicating with her, I have really learned a heap and she has been a very important part of my growth…and weight loss.

I have learned that dieting is not just about weight loss, I also need to address the all important, paramount issues of self-image, self-acceptance and self-belief. It’s all about helping me love who I am, and understanding how my thought processes hugely influence my predisposition for either success or failure. This is critical for anybody who is on the downsizing journey. It is my, and my Therapist’s, belief that once people really accept who they are; body, mind and soul, the downsizing journey will become easier and the victory, sweeter.

You see, it’s not simply a weight loss journey – it’s a positive change one embracing health, mindset and wellbeing aspects.

In Kellee’s own words “From all of my experiences, I knew that the key to all of my weight issues were psychological. I understood that nutrition and exercise were like putting a cast on a broken arm that is not properly set; on the outside it looks as though it would be mended but inside it is not. No matter how many casts are put on the arm, unless it is set properly it will never mend.”

It is my hope that, by using my own personal journey, this site will tackle every topic and challenge you will face along the way. With no one emphasis on food or exercise. All aspects of the positive change process will be discussed in an open environment. I am convinced, that this holistic, down-to-earth and personal approach is the best way to help people achieve their weight loss goals and that is why I have asked Kellee, (a registered Psychologist, amongst other things, who’s main concentration is weight loss) to come on board and be a part of my own journey in such a ‘public’ manner. I have published her profile

so feel free to take a peek.

With her being in Australia and I, in New Zealand our sessions have been necessarily trans-continental but it is actually working and now you can all share in the fun.

This is how it is going to work…she will a firm fixture in this site from now on…She will be commenting on my posts and giving direction, encouragement and argh….’homework’ for me to do and report back to y’all …feel free to take on what she advises and comment on your own experiences as well. I will also be organising a ‘chat event’ where her and I will be ‘LIVE’ to answer your questions and discuss weight, body image issues, or anything else related.

So, all in all, I am reinventing the wheel about what a ‘blog’ should be. Keep on staying tuned. I have a feeling its just going to get wilder and wilder…especially with ‘Flabuless’ at the helm. You never know what I am going to pull out of my butt next! hehehe

Yes, I am still around. I have realised just how much my ‘Internet Obsession’ was ruling my life so I decided to take a few days to organise my life. Even I admit, I was pretty compulsive; checking my e-mails every 10 minutes, working on my various ‘projects’ for about 15 hours of my day…I barely had time to keep my home in order and spend time with my kids. So I have set up a system now that balances my time and specifically my interaction with the two great loves of my life namely ‘The WWW’ and my Children!

I have designed a Family ‘Star Chart’ for us and every time I participate in family activity, fulfil my house chores, balance my time spent on ‘work’ with that of the time spent with my children, go for my daily walk etc. etc… I get a ‘Star’. My kids get stars for ‘obedience’, doing some chores, and also ‘bonus’ stars for going to bed nicely or doing something special for each other. It’s been quite fun actually, cause every night we have a ’star ceremony’ where we talk together about who deserves what and put the stars up on our chart. My son is very good at telling me whether I ‘DESERVE’ my stars for the day and for the most part I honour his perspective on how involved I have been with them each day. He is only 3.5 but sometimes I feel like he’s 3.5 going on 40! For me its a way I can get my life in order and start taking control instead of just complaining constantly cause I am barely ’surviving’ the daily grind.

Any way, enough excuses for my absence! We’ve all heard the term ‘Racist’ well…How about ‘Fatist’. I have been talking to a good mate about what it means to be a ‘Fatist’.

It was funny, as we were discussing whether we would be friends with a fat person, give someone a job who was overweight etc etc., associate or socialise with someone who was more than a bit on the ‘chubby side’. The answers were easy…of course!!!! However, when we came to the question of whether we would date a ‘fat’ man things got a bit sticky.

As you all know, I tend to be attracted to your athletic, muscular, ‘eye candy’ types. Even now, I actually couldn’t imagine myself with someone like myself, who was morbidly obese. Once I reach my goal, I don’t see that changing…so my answer to this initially was probably not, no way, never! hehehe!

My friend was horrified, I mean surely the fact that I had been ‘A Big Arse Momma’ should make me more ‘Tolerant’ / ‘Accepting’ of men in my position. Sure I am, mostly, on a social basis I wouldn’t discriminate fat vs slim but when it comes to the people you date/have a relationship with there is a bit more involved….i.e. that elusive ‘Chemistry’.

My justification was also that I am actively trying to look after my body, live a healthy life, exercise etc etc. To be with someone who didn’t have the same values and was content to just ‘be’ and live in ’slobbish’ ways (ie fat in ‘mind’, as well as body!…) Not that I am saying that is the ‘Norm’ with all fat men…but I need someone to help me, egg me on someone who I want to be slim for, more importantly with a body that I can drool over and be inspired by…Its no secret that I am looking forward to the excitement of sex minus the huffing and puffing out of exertion! and to have someone that could do ALL the moves, every which way…Ahhhhh Heaven! That Really, Really Really Appeals. So ok…maybe I am a ‘Fatist’…Can you blame me?

I will say one thing though….I am a sucker for ‘eyes’ above everything else. I communicated with a couple of guys on a chat site recently and they had ‘amazing’ eyes…that literally sent my heart pounding just by gazing into them…never did get to see their body, this was probably deliberate…although their profiles DID say BODY TYPE:

ATHLETIC

…you just never know. Everyone Lies….I mean…I can talk…on that answer I have skipped the ‘Bountifully Cuddly’ option and put AVERAGE…hehehe well in the US overweight and plus size women are

THE AVERAGE

so I am not lying technically…But anyway back to my point….I don’t know what it is about eyes but they soooo…. turn me on, so I guess failing the ‘body’ test if you have nice eyes and send me a pic of them you just might be lucky.

After resolving last week, after the wedding, that I didn’t want to see a drop of alcohol for another year…I was reminded yesterday morning that it was my turn that evening to host the quarterly AMNSA club meeting….AMNSA, standing for ‘Alcoholic Moms Not So Anonymous’, HeHeHe! is made up of a group of moms who don’t/cant get out much. So, every quarter, we get our crisps/potato chips, a bottle of top end spirits and go to the home of whoever is hosting this un-missable quarterly event, to drown the shots and laugh about our dull lives. By rotating the venue we all get to join in on the fun.

Well, apart from the smoke coming out my ears…again…it was a reasonably low key event. I chucked down 3 Sambuca shots and 2 glasses of stones and ‘Zero’ coke (my favourite low calorie poison). We chomped on corn chips, listened to Temptation Island soundtrack…the only ‘party’ type cd I currently own, and laughed so hard talking about our respective partners or X partners in my case and their antics…’who needs them’ was the ever present theme.

It was a good night and ended quite early which was even better…But the best thing is, knowing that I was going to be ‘invaded’ by a possy of desperate ‘alcohol infused’ house moms, I actually had the motivation I needed to clean the house….it had been awhile. Alone, with two kids, sometimes it’s hard just to get off your arse and clean especially when you know that 5 min later it will just be messy again as the kids play and be ‘kids’. But yesterday…I did it. I can’t tell you how nice it is to be walking around a clean, dust/cobweb free and nice smelling sanctuary…no more hidden dirty nappies under my bed….I was wondering what that ‘quirky’ smell was in my bedroom.

I tell you what…you can tell you live in a small town community when you receive an hand written but unsigned envelope in your mailbox with a pamphlet inside it titled ‘Ashma and Smoking Don’t Mix’.

I was shocked this morning to receive a such a pamphlet in my mailbox today. The reason it surprised me is because NO ONE, as far as I know, knows that only a couple of months ago I was diagnosed with Asthma and even my doctor doesn’t know that I smoke. I must concede, that it is probably no huge secret around town that I smoke but I have probably only used my puffer in public on one or two occasions. So that, at least, is not general knowledge…yet I receive this.

At first I thought my parents probably sent it; the envelope was postmarked Hanmer Springs, where I live, and they have been on my back for ages about my smoking. But on closer look, the hand-writing was definitely not either of theirs. When I quizzed them, on whether they sent it or had anything to do with sending it, they flatly denied it…Dad IS the pastor at one of the local churches, after all, so I have NO reason not to trust that they are telling the truth. Besides, it was addressed to me as a ‘MRS’…What the F*ck! I haven’t been a ‘MRS’ for about 18months…ok, ok, so legally I probably AM still classified so…but to my friends, they wouldn’t DARE address me as that!

So I have come to the conclusion that some ‘well meaning’ busy body probably saw me use my puffer in the village one day and knowing that I smoke, thought she needed to anonymously give me the ‘hard’ word on what smoking was doing to my body and my lungs…Dah…like I don’t know that already! I know its a terrible habit. I know that smoking kills, I know that it is frying up my lungs. Gimme a break! For the last 18 months since my marriage break up it has been my crux, and as awful as it is, my comfort… I can no longer turn to ‘food’ for comfort…or a MAN…or SEX…God dammnit!…so smoking it is!

I do plan to quit in the near future…It would be nice to not cough up gunk all the time and to be able to take a deep breath without wheezing or having that constant catch at the back of my throat all the time. Oh to be able to breath again!!! But one thing at a time…Dr Phil encourages that to get rid of bad habits you have to replace them with good ones…well I haven’t found a worthy replacement yet…perhaps once I loose a few more and find me that, tall dark and handsome, flab loving ‘eye candy’ that I have been lusting after in my last few posts…Maybe that will take my mind off the consuming need to smoke. He He He! I can almost hear my parents grasp of horror…to them, I suppose, that would just be replacing one bad habit for another. Perhaps I should try knitting!

After writing all I did a couple of days ago about not getting any ‘man’ action and men not generally being attracted to me. I was at the ‘local’ today…no no not the pub…hehehe!…the local grocery store actually. I was catching up with all the latest town gossip and laughing with the checkout operators…when I looked up at the customer coming up behind me…who just happened to be quite cute AND of the ‘male’ species…and I noticed he was looking at me with a bemused look on his face. But, what really shocked the pants off me (not literally) was when our eyes met, that hunk of a fella gave ME a gorgeous smile! I don’t know whether it was just because I haven’t had any kind of attention in quite some time, but I tell you, I looked to the left and right to make sure it was me he was smiling at and when it finally dawned on me that I was the object of his pleasure…all be-it fleeting…my heart skipped a beat…sure it was only a smile but WOW…just one smile made me feel like I was on cloud nine.

But that wasn’t all…I must have been emitting some kind of ’smile at me’ aura today because a short while later at my favourite cafe, after purchasing a steaming hot Mochachino with chocolate and raspberry ‘liquid art’ swirls on top of 2 inches of froth…hmmmm…just the way I like it…my weekly indulgence… I looked up from my purse to see yet another cute guy looking at me…and AGAIN when our eyes met he gave me a huge grin…again, I found it hard to believe that it WAS actually me he was smiling at.

What is it about me today? Guys are coming out of the woodwork all over the place…smiling at me. This sort of thing just doesn’t happen to ME…well it never has in the past at-least.

The thing that surprised me the most about these two chance encounters was the strength of my own intense and ‘emotional’ reaction after receiving such a small gift from a MAN…God…I must be really needy if that’s what one smile does to me…if I actually had someone kiss me…I think I would just about die with rapture…hehehe. It’s been far, far, far too long.

So guys…SMILE…take time out of your busy days to smile at someone…who knows, it might be someone like me and that one small gift would literally make their day! I am still walking on cloud nine!