I was talking to a good mate about my weight recently and he surprised me by asking, straight out, how many years I had suffered from depression. His take on it was, “U are too hyper to be naturally overweight…so it’s pain …. to my thinking at least…people telling U that U were worthless, so U lost lost respect in yerself…cause yer mentality is waaaayyy hyper”. The more I thought about what he said…the more I realised he may have a point. Most of my weight gain has happened over the last 10 years as I have gone in and out of bad and abusive relationships.

As always, a faithful mentor, in about 5 min he had literally liberated me, helping me to see my weight gain in a whole new light. For so long, I had been so self loathing and beating myself up for my lack of self control, and blamed myself for being a pig. On face value…that was all true…I am not trying to make excuses for the decisions that I did have control over (ie what and how much I should eat), that had a direct affect on my weight gain… but his observations lead me to dig a bit deeper and I now realise that there were other contributing factors, outside of my control, that also lead to my demise. It was a lethal cocktail, of depression, self loathing combined with the medical condition of hypothyroidism…with these ‘in play’ I really stood no chance.

But knowledge is power and now, knowing what I do, I have this opportunity to turn my life/weight around. There is no use, wallowing in self pity…that will take me nowhere. It is of up-most importance for me to do the ‘mind work’ as well as the ‘body work’ to understand my emotional triggers so that I can turn things around and never again feel the ‘need’ to resort to old bad habits despite WHAT may be going on in my life at any given time. If I don’t do the ‘mind work’ now 5 years from now I will most likely be back in the same position i was 2 years ago…as depressing as that is…

You know…tonight I have been thinking…yes it does happen sometimes. In the midst of all the hilarity, and laughter I do have my more somber moments. For me the thing that sobers me about my weight is the thought that I am not attractive, that guys could not be attracted to me, and probably don’t want to rip my clothes off. In fact I think the opposite reaction applies…”LEAVE THEM ON! LEAVE THEM ON, FOR GOD’S SAKE!”

Sure, I’m not blind…I know that I have a gorgeous smile, a pretty face, and a fantastic sense of humour, I am genuine, down to earth…I accept people where they are at no matter their age or background, I am fun to be with, I am a loyal friend, and compassionate, bla, bla, bla. But hey, when I look at myself naked, even I am reviled. When I grab those 100+ love handles, and wobble the flubber of my overhanging stomach , when I turn around and see the rolls hanging down just above my calves, behind my knees…when I shake and my whole body looks like jello (and not in a nice yummy way either)…when I hold up my arms and the underarm flab just hangs down and flaps with every slight movement…when I bend over and my butt takes up the full width of the mirror….reality strikes.

I have come to the realisation that although I AM indeed a very attractive person…my body is definitely not…and you know the funny thing is I accept that…I don’t like it, but I accept it…and I use it, actually…I may laugh about flirting with a guy, as I did this weekend, and I may joke about how long it has been since I have had any kind of ‘action’ and how I am ‘etching’ for it and I may act like I would literally jump in the first bed that was offered to me, but quite frankly…I can be open about all that stuff because I know its NEVER going to happen. As long as I am, as I am I might as well cease shaving…and continue wearing my nanna panties cause my ‘whooohoo’ is unlikely to be seen by ANYONE else in quite some time. It is no secret that I am a little low on ‘offers’ currently. hehehe! but I can flirt shamelessly with all kinds of unattainable men and have an absolute ball knowing that it is SAFE. If one of them turned around and actually expressed an interest, most likely I would loose the plot and/or run for the hills…as I did a couple of months ago when I was knocked off my heels (not literally) by one of my close buddies…who, I might add, after telling me he was attracted to me, I haven’t heard from since…I guess the light of day changed his mind on that one…hehehe.

Besides, the kind of guys I am attracted to are generally, tall dark and handsome, with a splash of grey in the temples, and certified athletic hotties…you know, the kind you see on Grey’s Anatomy. The chances that someone like that would be interested in me would be a rare thing indeed. Although I like to think that ‘everyone deserves a little ‘love’ and that there are people/men out there that can see past the ‘fat’ to the person inside. As a single mom some 60lbs+ over weight, I am not really, presently, what the world would call the complete package now am I?

So although my advise to anyone like me is basically the same as those well meaning ‘busy bodies’ when they tell us that we are beautiful and need to learn to ‘love’ ourselves…my take is slightly different… Sure we need to love ourselves. accept ourselves, give ourselves credit for the fantastic human beings that we are but it doesn’t mean that we have to ‘like’ our bodies. For me, the ‘act’ of loving my body doesn’t mean licking the reflection, of my body, off the mirror each time…but rather looking after it, as best I can, feeding it with things that are good and nourishing for it and exercising it (yet even that doesn’t happen as much as I would like).

So… in answer to my own question I have resigned myself to the FACT that I probably wont be getting my knickers around my ankles for another year or two till after I have a tummy tuck, once I have reached my goal. Maybe I’m pessimistic or a cynic, maybe, I am not taking into account the ‘genuine’ men of the world who believe size doesn’t matter, but for me its easier thinking like that and attributing it to my weight rather than hoping like hell and being rejected again and again. At least I still have my overactive imagination, and my flirtatious nature…and I must admit they keep me quite entertained at the best of times. I do think that ‘Fat’ girls have all the fun!

My fatbloggers family at

have put out a challenge for us to be honest about our true reasons for getting healthy and loosing the flab. Well I have about 100 reasons but I will try to limit it to 10…I am very strong on talking to and about myself in a positive and light-hearted way so I want to tell you about a few things that I am really looking forward to about being healthy, fit, happy and fabulously flabuless. Some of these I will eventually use for my ‘The Lighter Side’ cartoon strip…but I think, even without the illustrations you will get the general idea.

1. I look forward to…being ‘on top’ without my partner needing a snorkel. (VERY IMPORTANT REASON)

2. I look forward to…going to the gym and blending in with the rippling, muscle men and bouncing diva’s instead of feeling so damned conspicuous all the time. (who knows, maybe one of those muscle men might actually make a pass at ME)

3. I look forward to…walking up stairs/hills & mountains…without the ‘flab’ stubbonly refusing to follow.

4. I look forward to…Running without having to cross my arms (ie to stop my breasts from flying over each shoulder)

5. I look forward to…being able to talk about the starving children in africa without people looking at me as though I was the one the caused it. (yes…it happened to me)

6. I look forward to…seeing my bikini line again (the most difficult part of my week is shaving…sorry for the visuals)

7. I look forward to…Looking and feeling a little less like a sumo wrestler when naked (I still get horrified when I look at myself in the mirror)

8. I look forward to…putting away the anti rash cream (Nearly there)

9. I look forward to…Not having to hide the ‘frayed’ patch at the crotch of my favorite pants. (I just purchased a couple more…lets see how long they last)

10. I look forward to…The underneath of my bed, no longer being a safe zone for my naughty three year old son (hmmm…self explanatory)

Come on guys…I have shared with you mine…what are yours? Leave a comment and let me know.

I have just come back from a great weekend away at my friends wedding…I would have been the marriage celebrant if I had of been able to transfer my celebrants licence from Australia, where I am currently an authorised Marriage Celebrant, to New Zealand… as it was, I was not able to do it in time due to the small community which I am living in having 4 registered celebrants already…with this said I ended up having the dubious ‘honour’ of doing a reading during the ceremony which passed without incident…thank god.

Anyhow it was a good and bad weekend for me…I had an absolute ball. The wine started flowing very early and continued into early hours of the morning…I had a lovely time flirting with the ‘bar boy’ with a cute butt…or so I thought, at the time…and I there was heaps of laughing, dancing and joviality all around…however on the other hand I ate too much, drank too much and smoked far far far too much…Yes…I know I am supposed to be giving up…well lets just say…my cold turkey matrix scheme hasn’t been working as well as I would have liked especially in light of the huge emotional overhaul I have been going through for the last couple of months.

The reception dinner was a buffet and I tell you…as soon as I saw the food…despite all good intentions…IT WAS ALL OVER. I have this condition that when I see food I simply must EAT IT…that is why I don’t have yummy things in my pantry cause I simply have NO control I MUST eat them…to get them OUT of the pantry you see…and at the wedding it was no different. I served up a full plate of all sorts of yummy delights and though I thought I would not be able to get through it all due to the lap-band…somehow I managed to pack it ALL down…but that wasn’t the worst thing…I actually went up for another plateful…which, thank goodness I didn’t finish and I didn’t have desert either so I guess thats something. But, I must have stretched my stomach beyond recognition yesterday.

And then there was all the alcohol flowing freely…From 4pm Onwards…you never saw me with an empty glass and to clarify…it wasn’t the same glass either…I have lost count as to how many glasses I actually had but when I was surprised to find myself flat on my butt, blocking the hallway to the toilet…I have NO idea how that happened, one minute I was up and walking and the next minute I was on the floor… it was at THAT point that I knew I had had way too much.

It was after 1.30am before I got to bed…and yes I was alone! God damnit! I guess I wasn’t trying hard enough with the bar boy that I was flirting with… besides, he was only a young’n…gee I felt sooo old next to a 22 yr old and I am only 28 hehehe!

I had smoked so much that it was coming out of my ears…and this morning, when I woke, the motel room literally smelled like the insided of a chimney…YUCK!… not the nicest smell when you wake up with a splitting headache and tummy churning hang over as is…3 cups of coffee and two croisants later I was revived and able to function at least…although I do feel like I have been a dead man walking all day and it is 7.08pm right now and I cant wait to get to bed…

Thank bloody goodness your friends don’t get married all the time…It would be the destruction of all that was ‘flabuless’ if I had to do this every weekend.