I can’t believe I am writing tonight…I have had an incredibly tough day…

Today 3rd May 2007 was the court proceedings to do with final property settlement with my X. Some of you would have read my previous posts regarding the situation with my X and today was D-Day really. Although I won the case to force the sale of our only asset, our Matrimonial Home, in order to pay the debts that had amounted during the course of our marriage it is a bitter victory really and I was unprepared for how emotional today has been.

I know, that I am taking the ‘right’ and most logical steps to get my life back…but it is also a bitter reminder of how things were NOT supposed to turn out…I mean, there was a time when I had thought I was madly in love with this man and actually wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and yet here I am ending all ties to him…This is just the first step in our journey to Divorce but it is a big step and it has left me strangely raw today. I never imagined that it would come to this. I make light of it…but going through divorce, even a mutual one…is really rough…and I guess always harder for the one who hasn’t moved on yet…I am sure him and his girlfriend are now planning how they are going to screw me out of my fair share of the cut and travel the world together…I wish I had someone to make such plans with as well! Even just a good hard screw in the Bahamas somewhere would be great, perhaps I should book my flight and take my chances! hehehe! Hey….give me a break it has been 2.5 years….at least I haven’t lost my sense of humour. Hopefully I will get back to my exuberant usual self when all this is over.

Its a pity women don’t have the same problem that men have… when the weather gets cold…hehehe I might be able to fit into a C cup instead of a G! Well, truth be told, I am actually an F cup now…It seems that as I loose weight I am beginning to loose it in places that I don’t want to…Grrr. but anyway, the weather IS cold here at present, and with the lack of fat-insulating things-I am feeling the cold more acutely in the most inappropriate of places…hehehe funny that. When your boobs themselves stick out as far as mine do…you don’t really want to be seen walking in public with your pecks standing up and at attention too…and at the moment the weather’s effect, on my ‘voluptuous companions’, is un-mistakable…no wonder I got so many stares from guys as I walked past. hehehe!

I discovered something recently…I know, I have mentioned this before, but as I am currently weaning my 18 month year old off breast milk I decided, recently, that it was time to throw away my maternity bras, which I have had since the birth of my first born some 3 and a half years ago and invest in some ‘proper’ equipment for my faithful companions! I went to a lingerie store and had the choice between…ummmm…all of 3 different styles…Hmmm…It seems, lingerie stockists have yet to hear the news that the average size woman is plus size… anyhow…the store assistant insisted on formally fitting me…I don’t know why, really, cause it was one of the 3 available styles or nothing…She was determined to sell me one of those…regardless of whether they ‘fit’ or not hehehe! Fortunately, one of the 3 were my size…at that point I would have taken 2 of them but there was only 1 available in store…again GRRR… so I ended up taking that one and the same style in the next size down…wishful thinking…same cup size though…there is no way I want to loose these babies…although I know its inevitable with my weight loss.

Any how back to my discovery…hehehe! i do tend to ramble sometimes and get off the point…I was at loss earlier this week as both my new bras were in the wash and I was desperate for something to wear so I ended up putting on one of my ‘old’ maternity bras…WELL…when I looked at myself in the mirror I was shocked at how ‘frumpy’ I looked…It’s as though my boobies were hanging right down to mid waist…hiding my now defined ‘pinched in’ waist and nicely rounded hips…if I do say so myself…I was actually quite appalled…so despite my new ones being in the wash…I, promptly, dished one out and used my hairdryer to dry it quickly…sure it was a bit soggy when I put it back on…but MAN OH MAN…the difference…It was like I was 10lbs lighter…so girls…the moral of the story is…if you are blessed with big boobies, as I am, always be sure to wear the ‘right’ fit with plenty of support it will make ALL the difference to how you look and carry yourself…and you will feel 10lbs lighter just by wearing it! I would post illustrative photo’s to demonstrate but I wouldn’t want this site to be confused for peek show…hehehe…Its bad enough walking down the street.

n.b. Just in case you are wondering, I am currently NOT employed as a spokesperson for ‘Berlei’.

Ok…ok time to ‘fess’ up…you may have noticed that my ticker hasn’t moved at all in the last 4 weeks…well that’s because I am petrified to hop on the scales. I have had a really rough time this month a whole heap of things have been going on and are still ongoing and i must admit I have let myself go some…obviously with the lap-band there is a limit as to how much I can physically let myself go, but I have been eating more OFTEN than I have in the past…GRRR and biscuits too!

At the moment I just don’t think I am strong enough to suffer the disappointment of seeing that little ticker go UP not DOWN. I am depressed. I know that. I have these really compulsive behaviours when I am down and out…my indicator over the past few weeks is my obsession with the internet. At the moment I can’t live without it 24/7 I wake up at 9.30am spend the whole day on the internet…apart from mealtimes and go to bed at 2-3am in the morning. Now that has got to be unhealthy…my poor children have lost a mother… I have found ‘The Wiggles’ to be a great babysitter.

But, you know…although I KNOW its unhealthy behaviour it seems I am incapable of stopping it. Even now that I am writing this it is 12am and I don’t think I’ll get to bed till after 1am, probably 2am if I start getting emails from programmers on the opposite side of the time zone that are working on my various website projects at present. The internet has become my life at the moment. The ‘real world’ for me this month has just been disappointment after disappointment. People that I was close to have let me down… my finances are still in the red, my X is still an arsehole and on top of that I have lost my son to him for a week…probably just as well, I am in no fit state to be a mom at present. At least that’s how I feel.

My family say I am a ‘Drama Queen’ but all I see is that nothing good seems to come to me…or just when I think something great is just around the corner it gets snatched from me. At the beginning of march…good things were starting to happen, I had a man that appreciated me, I was taking on a business partner…someone I would trust with my life, my business project Sizexchange was just about to take flight, I was starting to loose weight again (after what seemed like a never ending plateau), I just felt GOOD about myself…’FLAB-U-LESS’… actually. But now its all a different story…People, that I was close to, have disappeared off the face of the earth with no reason, development seems to be stalled with my various web projects…I am under pressure on all sides business wise and personally my impending ’settlement’ court case with my X which is on Thursday has also been a big concern of mine. Nothing good is coming my way…and now the scales…I just cant bring myself round to face yet another disappointment. You know, I am sick and tired of struggling. I just wish good things would actually EVENTUATE in my life rather than being held out there like a lolly pop, teasing me, just to be taken away again. I guess, truth be told I am not coping as well as I ought. No wonder I am officially an ‘internet-aholic’.

Oh Bugger!…I made a pact with myself that I would keep my posts on Finding Flabuless, ligh-hearted and cheerfull…well…I didn’t want to scare you all off…but…you know…Hey, what is recorded above is ME the real Flabuless up close and personal, warts and all. The problem with being a person full of ‘passion’ and ‘energy’ is that when your UP your up so high that no-one can touch you but when your really, really down. I know I’ll survive…but that’s exactly my point…I don’t want to just go through life just ’surviving’ as I have been to date…I want to go through life ‘flourishing’ in leaps and bounds.

Do you know what I mean? Drop me a line if you do…I could do with some cheering up at present… Yes, Yes, this is a shameless and desperate call for support and encouragement.