Apparently, Chubby Sex is one of the highest searched keywords on google. Don’t ask me my source…lol…No, No don’t worry its not me. For me personally, naked or scantily dressed ‘horizontally challenged’ (ie FAT) women (or men, for that matter) do not really appeal.

I must admit, I look at them with more than a little disgust…yea, yea before you jump down my throat and tell me how hypocritical I am… YES I know I look like…that! (I am reminded of it on the odd occasion when I happen to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror after bathing…which I try to avoid…like the plague) But I cannot for the life of me understand why men would like to look at images of a big fat momma looking ridiculously haughty showing off her bits to the world and think its SEXY, now just so that we are clear…I am talking about soft porn here.

I love the human body…I have mentioned that quite a few times before, you know the taut, chiselled, six pack version’s…but a FAT human body is sort of hard to get an eyeful of…Perhaps what makes me so abhorrent of such pictures…is that, they all remind me of someone (ie MOI)…and I HATE that particular reminder, which is why my eyes avoid the mirror when I am naked. But more importantly, maybe I am also a little threatened by big people that are sexy and know they are SEXY cause I perhaps have lost that same confidence in myself…but still…as a single mom, with 2 children is there really any need to ‘Feel Sexy’? I don’t have a man in my life nor am I likely too for some time. I can tell you, It’s been a LONG time since I put my SEXY clothes on, plastered myself with makeup and went out for a night on the town with the sole intention of giving some unsuspecting guy a ’smouldering look’…Yea you know the one girls!!!.

The closest I get to feeling sexy, now, is when I have one of those few and far between ‘DRY’ dreams, YOU KNOW the ones where you wake up and realise you were dry humping the pillow…oops did I say that. Perhaps it is my subconscious telling me that, on some level, I should get in-touch with my SEXY side again. How important is feeling ’sexy’ to you?

Ok, so after putting on soooooo…much weight, this week I have REALLY been making a concerted effort…I have been eating…less…walking more and finally I am seeing some results. ok so maybe only

1lb

but its something!…I can do SOOOO…much more if I want to see some huge results. For instance, the walks have been a little more sedate whilst I get back into things and the eating less…I could choose even MORE carefully what is nutritionally good for me and what is not…but for now I am at peace…The scales are going in the RIGHT direction, after all this time. So just you wait…finding flabuless might be just around the corner for me…How about you? How are you all going with your journey?

xx Flabulicious ME!

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Ok guys before you start sending out the search party to look under all the rocks and cave’s around New Zealand…I am still around.

Timidly, I write this crawling out of my cave…I have to beg your pardon and forgiveness cause I feel like a big, fat fraud…I went to my lap band dr this week and had to jump on the scales..and the truth is I have put on 11lbs over the last couple of months…true…the custard chocolate swirl pastries that I have been gauging myself with hasn’t helped…and neither have the daily visits to the local cafe’s and bakeries.

The more depressed I get the more I eat…Why Why Why can’t I be an anorexic…At least if I actually had the will power to starve myself I would be thin…I know that is not the answer…lol and I will probably be disgusted in myself for writing this in my blog a few weeks from now…maybe I’ll even delete the post…but this is how I feel right here and now.

Its not that anything huge has happened in my life…and I honestly thought I was getting out of the hole I have been living in for the past month but the icy hands of depression have been reaching out and pulling me back under…

As you all should know by now…this is NOT me. I am usually the most happy, positive, enthusiastic and vibrant person around…but one thing about me is that when I am UP I am in the skies as high as you can get…but on the other hand when I am down…well that’s another story.

I haven’t given up…Today and yesterday I barely ate a thing…and I made sure I ate vegetables and food with good nutrient value. But I am here…clawing my way out of the abyss. These times are so hard when you are trying to loose weight. Watching what you eat doesn’t come naturally it seems more natural to give up, let it all hang out and eat whatever, whenever. But these are the times when we have to keep our eyes firmly fixed on the goal…

“Why am I doing this, again?” - I am doing this to love myself. To give myself permission to SHINE, for a very long and healthy future to come. Why are you loosing weight?