I am so angry right now…punching the air, crying buckets full of tears, numb with grief.

The EVIL X has struck again… proving once more the bastard that he is..excuse my french.

As a part of our interim court orders, that we agreed and the family court of australia signed off on, my X took on the responsibility of paying the minimum payments on our joint credit card debt that we accrued during our marriage. He was supposed to be paying me child support but I forfeited half of my due child support for him to make these minimum payments…especially on the ones that were in my name.

I just found out yesterday that not only has he NOT been making the minimum payments for the past 7 months on these credit cards, but now my credit rating is shot and I have a strike against my name in australia which will make it difficult for me to rent a house, take out a loan, get a credit card, connect a home telephone service, etc etc. Even though as of this Friday, when the house settles, we will be able to pay off all the debts in full, the mark remains next to my name for the next 5 years…and there is NOTHING I can do about it.

It’s like he is just trying to ruin me…I have been racking my brains to think of some appropriate revenge but alas I am too nice to post naked pictures of him on the internet…lol not that i have any!

It is so hard, to keep my head up when he just seems to be going out of his way to ruin me…Well, he may have just blown his chances of me bowing to his demands and moving back to australia with the kids for at least the next 5 years…Why would I move back there now…that things are going to be difficult for me to provide a proper life for my children. What does he want…me and the kids homeless and out on the streets…

As if my life isn’t bad enough, someone who I really looked up to really shattered me the other day telling me my work and various projects on the internet (including

) are all well and good but how can I help others if I can’t help myself. She was referring to my smoking and the slowness of my own weight loss of late and my lack of interaction with my children. She believes my internet activities are taking up to much of my time and energy that should be going towards getting myself better, healthier, stronger emotionally, and spending more quality time with my children.

I have been under an enormous amount of pressure lately, as you all know…and I am sorry if emotionally I haven’t been able to keep up with everything but I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water right now…and now I am a bad mother because I am trying to provide an income for me and the kids that will enable me to stay at home with them full time…I don’t get it…I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t. It’s so hard to find a balance.

Ok…so got back on the scales today…the good news is that it is still moving in the right direction…haven’t quite got back to where I was when I started writing this blog, in February this year, (239lbs) but I am getting there. From there…I will be truly back on track cause then I will start seeing numbers I haven’t seen in about 10 years. I am just backtracking really at the moment to get back to that starting point again.

When the scales are going the right way its kind of exciting isn’t it. I love hopping on the scales knowing that it will have gone down and not up. The only way I can ensure this is to really make sure I am watching what I eat..and not CHEAT.

You will be happy to know I haven’t had my naughty indulgence…Carrot Cake with lots a cream in over a week now…so I am doing REALLY well. hehe Emotionally I am also doing fine. Trying to catch up now on all my responsibilities both online and off line. I have about 5 projects that I am doing for or in conjunction with others. This last month has really put my schedule right OUT. I have been so unorganised and now I am desperately trying to catch up.

My Therapist and I have been talking extensively about protecting myself from stress and not taking more on that I can chew…Great advise, really, for someone desperately trying to claw themselves out of the depression of just a few weeks ago.

Well, I had to let a couple of people down…which I feel absolutely awful about but there were other things, in terms of my relationship with one of them also that was adding to the stress. I got to the point where enough was enough and I needed to protect myself and my children cause we are number 1 after all. I hate confrontation, and I hate letting people down even more. In a different time and space I may have been able to work through the relationship issues and moved passed it…but at the moment I am more than a bit ahhh ‘fragile’. As much as I hate saying that…Its a side of me I don’t like people knowing about…lol.

Now, I much prefer y’all thinking I am a sturdy, independent, ‘just do it’ kind of person. But, I guess, everyone has there vulnerabilities.

I have really struggled with being so honest in my blog…about all this. Because I don’t want to dishearten or un-motivate anyone else. I see you all as friends so for that reason I am an open-book. Its not how I would want to be remembered…this fragile, uncertain person, still, its ALL a part of my own journey. To walk the road, truly, with me you need to know my struggles as well as victories. Have I told you lately…Thank you? I am so blessed to have such a supportive group of friends like you guys…

What are your greatest struggles, in your personal life or weight-loss?

I was going to record a flabvlog tonight but my computer is not playing nicely…So I have resigned myself to writing a post.

I am the mother of all procrastinators… truly! I have known, for some time now, that I had to fill in some forms in time for the 31st August but I have procrastinated to the point that it is probably too late now…grrrr. I will be under ‘disciplinary’ action too…which is the worst thing. I am supposed to do them every year before that date. But every blinking time I sit down to do it I find something else distracts me…I guess deep down I just don’t want to do them…lol But, as my daddy used to tell me “sometimes we have to do what we don’t want to do”…I used to hate that saying. It is funny though that, as a mom, I find myself repeating it to my kids…grrrrr! History repeats itself.

So do we really WANT to lose weight. I have been asking myself that question, what does it mean to truly want something? I want to be healthy, I want to be slim, I want to be fit…but I can’t say I really WANT to lose weight…unfortunately you can’t have the former without the latter. They are all intimately linked. By its essence the act of ‘losing’ weight has some negative connotations…when you lose something it is usually bad, frustrating, like when you loose your keys, or your purse. True, in the advent of shows like ‘The Biggest Loser’ and ‘Losin’ It’, pop culture has fashioned our minds into thinking that being a ‘loser’ or loosing weight is the way to go. But have we forgotten that losing is the OPPOSITE of winning. At its very core, the act of ‘losing’ weight is like we are losing a part of ourselves…a big part of ourselves for some of us.

Thinking this, for me, automatically places a barrier or boundary in my mind. Perhaps I should change my mindset and internal conversation from being in the act of ‘losing’ to gaining. I am gaining health, gaining a great body, gaining attractiveness, gaining life, gaining freedom.

Hi, my name is Flabuless and I’m a proud ‘Gainer’…lol I guess I am just rambling…cause I can’t think of anything better to do…since I am supposed to be doing something else…still…its been fun.

Hi guys…Just letting you know that the blog is proving so popular I am moving it to the front page of the site…No biggie, but it just means to get to it you will only need to type in www.findingflabuless.com. Instead of getting to it via www.findingflabuless.com/blog. The move will probably effect your RSS feed if you are subscribed. If you are subscribed via feedburner then I will fix this so that nothing will change for feedburner subscribers. I am going to try and redirect traffic using the /blog ending to the front page so that I wont loose you guys…but just thought I’d give you the up and up if you notice the change. I will be doing a proper post tonight….I have something up my sleeve that I think you guys will really appreciate….ohhhhh how exciting…lol you will just have to wait and see.

xxFlabuless