The day God got through to me!

Sitting here on the floor in my lounge room typing this I don’t really know what I am supposed to type, I just know I need to type. I feel numb really, maybe its the pills maybe its just the cold hard realization of who I have become…the worst sinner in the world really….yea I know thats the Apostle Paul’s line but sitting here I feel the same.

But I really am the worst sinner in the world, I have betrayed my best friend, committed adultery and reveled in it I must add. I have lied, cheated, I have neglected my children so that I can partake in a ‘Party Life’. But most importantly and to sum everything up I have turned my back on God and all his goodness.

I look at myself in the mirror and I see an awful horrible human being but then I read psalms where he says YOU are fearfully and wonderfully made and It just doesn’t match up…look at me, look at what I have done! I am U.G.L.Y. And yet God still hasn’t given up on me despite my numerous attempts to force him to wash his hands of me still he has me so tightly in his grasp, still he keeps, cherishes, protects me, he hedges me behind and before and lays His hand upon my shoulder.

Why????? Why me???? the social worker today told me because HE has a plan for my life! I sat there gob smacked…this was the person that may or may not take my children away from me and here she was drumming the WORD into me the same WORD that I had heard all my life and yet today…of all days I listened…I allowed it to sink in…I opened my heart again. I knew what I had to do and I knew at that moment that I was going to do it too…Get on my knees, repent, beg God to take control of my life again and direct my footsteps. Then the social worker warned me…The devil ain’t gonna take this lightly he is going to come at you harder and stronger than before….Yea…a social worker you heard right I couldn’t believe it myself and that was BEFORE all hell broke lose and my best friend discovered about my betrayal and how I had seduced and fooled around with the guy she was seeing. I have already told you I have been a bad, bad girl. I deserve all that I got and I had NO come back…its true that was me.

I have been on the road to destruction now for the better part of the last 4 months. True I have in the last few days discovered that I have been suffering from severe depression and the result of which my mind has been in a fog and I haven’t been able to make good decisions…you know the logical ones that you make when you are well, happy and content with yourself and your life. Instead, I was making destructive decisions. Deep down I wanted my best friend to find out and agree that I am an awful person, as I had been telling myself every day for pretty much the last 4 months….I am nothing, I am a bad person, I am not worth loving…I am not worth respecting…on and on I bet myself down…to everyone around who saw the ‘party’ girl I was fun, full of life, exciting, friendly but to myself I was evil and I gave into the evilness and allowed myself to start living it out in my life. It is true, all of it. I have been called names today, I have had close neighbours lose their respect of me because of all that has happened and you know what…It is all well deserved.

But, Thank God that is not the end…today He got through to me. He put everything in place so that I could survive this day….the social worker, her being a christian, speaking into my life, and warning me of what was about to come…the dr prescribing me anti depressants and having two days on them before I had to deal with a situation that would have most likely driven me to suicide if I was battling it by myself on my own…and my parents who have been looking after my little darlings of 2 and 4 whilst I get used to the anti-depressants, thank goodness they were safe happy and didn’t have to see a mother come to her lowest point.

So here I am in a dark room with nothing but the light from my computer screen on and christian music playing in the background the lyrics saying “all that I need is love” a Cece Winans song. I feel raw, broken, battered but hopeful. As Dr Phil says “Today is the first day of the rest of your life”. I know that God has a plan for my life. His Holy Spirit haunts me, an ever constant presence in my life. Despite all that I have done, he loves me, he never let me go. Today was the worst day of my life but I got through because of his love. Sure, I have alot of work to do now to repent, ask for forgiveness and try and mend some horribly damaged relationships. But first I need to pray… Easier said than done…how does one pray, the words escape me what do I say to God…the only thing that comes to mind at the moment is GOD help! I don’t know where to start really but I am not doing this alone I know. I texted a good christian friend that I had turned away some time ago cause I was angry at life and God. All I said is “Next time you are up here can you please come and pray with me!” 10min later came her response “ABSOLUTELY! I am here at the moment we will make a time!.”

All that I need is love! and God got through to me today and showed me that I have it…all around me!