Tonight sitting here, in front of a roaring fire- always a sure environment for pensive reflection, I have been taking an honest look at WHY i want to loose weight.

The honest truth is that in every respect I have been made to feel like I am not good enough...As a FAT woman, I fall below the mark... My X Husband used to refer to me as a 'big fat cow sitting on the couch eating chocolate' to all his mates at work...and wouldn't touch me sexually or affectionately, for that matter, for months at a time...its a miracle I have two beautiful children really. My parents, took me to a 'fat' doctor when I was 9 cause they were concerned about my weight even then.

'Fat' to all sense and purposes in this world is just plain wrong! How can I hope to experience the fairy tale; a knight in shining armour that is crazy about me, 'true love', an empowered life, successful career, super mom, if I am constantly burdened by this handicap of Fat'ness. How will people take me seriously and accept me 'Just as I am' when first impressions are just so darned important.

I guess I have bought into the religion of perfection that permeates in the world today. I am not a size 0 and somehow that makes me less than perfect...no not even that...it makes me 'null'. No matter what I do, how smart I am, what a great sense of humour I have, or how nice I am. It makes no difference because I am FAT, a statistic, an 'undesirable', the humiliation of society. The 'obesity epidemic' is given more coverage than the famine/hunger in third world countries. This is not a cry for acceptance, or a shout for you all to tell me how wonderful and special I am...I know that I am...'Just as I am'...but unfortunately the world doesn't and to mold myself to the 'worlds' standards I must lose weight.

However, It would be a dream to actually be accepted, successful and loved 'just as I am' by someone else for a change...not just me...

Deep, deep down I want it to be true that you don't have to be a size 0 to live the fairy tale which is partly why I have been filling my head with books like

-Liza Palmer,

-Sophie Kinsella,

- Jill Winters,

-Louise Kean,

- Jennifer Weiner. They all feature plus-size heroines finding peace and getting their man despite the worlds perceptions of them and their weight. Yes, I am a romantic but I happen to be proud of that!

I know my life will NOT be complete as soon as a drop the pounds, I know the fairy tale wont just begin then...but, at least then...I WILL have a fighting chance! At least THEN...I wont have this 'handicap' of a negative first impression, before I have even sat my huge butt down.