I am a BAD BAD GIRL
August 22, 2007
Timidly, I write this crawling out of my cave…I have to beg your pardon and forgiveness cause I feel like a big, fat fraud…I went to my lap band dr this week and had to jump on the scales..and the truth is I have put on 11lbs over the last couple of months…true…the custard chocolate swirl pastries that I have been gauging myself with hasn’t helped…and neither have the daily visits to the local cafe’s and bakeries.
The more depressed I get the more I eat…Why Why Why can’t I be an anorexic…At least if I actually had the will power to starve myself I would be thin…I know that is not the answer…lol and I will probably be disgusted in myself for writing this in my blog a few weeks from now…maybe I’ll even delete the post…but this is how I feel right here and now.
Its not that anything huge has happened in my life…and I honestly thought I was getting out of the hole I have been living in for the past month but the icy hands of depression have been reaching out and pulling me back under…
As you all should know by now…this is NOT me. I am usually the most happy, positive, enthusiastic and vibrant person around…but one thing about me is that when I am UP I am in the skies as high as you can get…but on the other hand when I am down…well that’s another story.
I haven’t given up…Today and yesterday I barely ate a thing…and I made sure I ate vegetables and food with good nutrient value. But I am here…clawing my way out of the abyss. These times are so hard when you are trying to loose weight. Watching what you eat doesn’t come naturally it seems more natural to give up, let it all hang out and eat whatever, whenever. But these are the times when we have to keep our eyes firmly fixed on the goal…
“Why am I doing this, again?” - I am doing this to love myself. To give myself permission to SHINE, for a very long and healthy future to come. Why are you loosing weight?
Just As I am Participants so far!
July 25, 2007
Just a quickie…
I am in the process of putting together a photo-montage of everyone that participates but here is the list so far with links direct to their challenge post.
Christina-Do0rdiet
Lady Rose The Diet Pulpit
Marianne - Practice Living
Tam - Fitness & Weight Loss
Have I missed anyone…let me know if I have…but do keep them coming in…I love reading about my Flabuless Readers!
I will have the photo montage up as soon as I get the rest of the photo’s so far…This is going to be so much fun!
Lets play tag!
July 21, 2007
Eventually we will be able to follow a trail from everyone’s blog linking to other blogs and their tagged blogs etc…it could be huge… Tell your blogging mates…and lets start a craze and grow and learn to love ourselves through doing this.
Plus, inspired by
So who am I tagging?
Trish -
Steph -
An Update on the "Just as I am Challenge"
July 21, 2007
Ok…you have to check out Tam’s responce to the Just as I am challenge which I put out there in the blogosphere a few weeks ago…you can read her response on her website Fitness-Weight-loss A Personal Fitness Journey.
For anyone else that participated please drop a comment and let me know so that I can list the link to your response as well. This is something very dear to my heart…and I would love you ALL to take up the challenge…it will be liberating for you…so stop concentrating on the negative and start focusing on the positives of WHO you are right NOW…
To refresh you mind on what the challenge is all about you can read it again from its permalink HERE or scroll down the page till you see it below.
and TAM…keep on dancing and playing like a 15 year old…that’s part of what we love about you…”Just as you are”
Stuffed myself…AGAIN!!!!!!!
July 19, 2007
Well guys, today was my dad’s birthday…and as usual, I over did it…especially since it was a special occasion. It was his 62nd birthday so it was only natural that me and the kids go there for a special birthday dinner…The problem was, I found myself being totally SEDUCED by the yummy delights that rudely accosted my gaze. I don’t know what it is about me but when I see food I tend to eat it…
Here’s what I ate:
Starters
- About 4 handfuls of potato chips/crisps
- 6 cheese on a stick…(small piece of cheese with a pickled onion on a toothpick)
Main Course
- 4 tiny potato quarters…I suppose adding up to one small-medium potato
- 4 thin slices of roast pork
- 1 desert spoon of cabbage
- 1 small portion of pumpkin
- Covered in gravy, and a desert spoon of stewed apple
Desert
- A small desert plate of blueberry danish…smothered in cream.
- A slice of date and walnut loaf…
Although I kept my portions reasonably small…I feel absolutely stuffed…and have this awful pain in my side. GRRRRR…I really need to deal with my compulsion to eat…I was full after the chips…yet, I kept on eating. If I had of had an ounce of self control…I would have skipped the ’starters’ eaten my main meal, had a couple of spoonfuls of desert and saved the piece of cake for tomorrow….But NO…I didn’t and now I am reaping the consequences of my actions EXCRUCIATINGLY!
Ow……..
If you haven’t been able to tell already from my previous posts…I am going through a black spot at the moment in relation to my weight loss journey…I need to break through again…I was going so well, I mean a 95lb loss is no small feat…but then my own tendency to ‘rest my laurels’ on prior victory has caused me to become slack, unmotivated, and downright greedy again.
- I’m addicted
- I will always be addicted to food…like a crack-head, desperate for the next fix
The Battle of the Bulge is never ending. Even when I reach my goal, it is going to be hard to maintain the weight, and not give in to my destructive food addiction tendencies. I am beginning to think that I will always be addicted to food and like a crack-head…desperate for the next fix…I am going to have to learn to stay away from situations/occassions that are going to cause me to slip again, and again and/or come up with strategies to handle such occassions…
Do any of you have some tips/suggestions for what to do at parties/special events when the ‘mountains’ of food just looks too yummy to resist. Please share in the comments…I would appreciate your contributions and advice.
Oh and by the way…the mood shot is doctored…lol…I don’t actually look that bad but it represents pretty much exactly how I feel.
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