Hi y’all! It’s been a busy couple of days for me. I have been working on the site a heap so if you visit again you will notice a major addition…Namely, a Chat room where I will be endeavouring to be ‘online’ at 9pm EDT every Saturday Evening. Actually, I have been thinking a lot about my blog and how I can make it different, interesting, informative and so much MORE than just another blog site, for you all so I have decided to ‘up the anti’….

As you all know, I have been very candid about my life and experiences to date and it was very important to me that I continue to do so, however, I think its time for us to go to the next level…and take it deeper. (hehehe…pity I am not actually saying THOSE words to a man!) I want you all to be a big part of my journey but more than that…My desire is that in knowing me you will have the opportunity to learn and grow with me. So, after a couple of wines to build up the courage…no just kidding (I haven’t actually drunk anything in over a week now…quite an achievement for me…if you haven’t noticed already!) I asked my Therapist/Weight Loss Coach if she would be prepared to continue our sessions in a more ah…’public’ manner. To my surprise, she agreed! In the time that I have been communicating with her, I have really learned a heap and she has been a very important part of my growth…and weight loss.

I have learned that dieting is not just about weight loss, I also need to address the all important, paramount issues of self-image, self-acceptance and self-belief. It’s all about helping me love who I am, and understanding how my thought processes hugely influence my predisposition for either success or failure. This is critical for anybody who is on the downsizing journey. It is my, and my Therapist’s, belief that once people really accept who they are; body, mind and soul, the downsizing journey will become easier and the victory, sweeter.

You see, it’s not simply a weight loss journey – it’s a positive change one embracing health, mindset and wellbeing aspects.

In Kellee’s own words “From all of my experiences, I knew that the key to all of my weight issues were psychological. I understood that nutrition and exercise were like putting a cast on a broken arm that is not properly set; on the outside it looks as though it would be mended but inside it is not. No matter how many casts are put on the arm, unless it is set properly it will never mend.”

It is my hope that, by using my own personal journey, this site will tackle every topic and challenge you will face along the way. With no one emphasis on food or exercise. All aspects of the positive change process will be discussed in an open environment. I am convinced, that this holistic, down-to-earth and personal approach is the best way to help people achieve their weight loss goals and that is why I have asked Kellee, (a registered Psychologist, amongst other things, who’s main concentration is weight loss) to come on board and be a part of my own journey in such a ‘public’ manner. I have published her profile

so feel free to take a peek.

With her being in Australia and I, in New Zealand our sessions have been necessarily trans-continental but it is actually working and now you can all share in the fun.

This is how it is going to work…she will a firm fixture in this site from now on…She will be commenting on my posts and giving direction, encouragement and argh….’homework’ for me to do and report back to y’all …feel free to take on what she advises and comment on your own experiences as well. I will also be organising a ‘chat event’ where her and I will be ‘LIVE’ to answer your questions and discuss weight, body image issues, or anything else related.

So, all in all, I am reinventing the wheel about what a ‘blog’ should be. Keep on staying tuned. I have a feeling its just going to get wilder and wilder…especially with ‘Flabuless’ at the helm. You never know what I am going to pull out of my butt next! hehehe

I was talking to a good mate about my weight recently and he surprised me by asking, straight out, how many years I had suffered from depression. His take on it was, “U are too hyper to be naturally overweight…so it’s pain …. to my thinking at least…people telling U that U were worthless, so U lost lost respect in yerself…cause yer mentality is waaaayyy hyper”. The more I thought about what he said…the more I realised he may have a point. Most of my weight gain has happened over the last 10 years as I have gone in and out of bad and abusive relationships.

As always, a faithful mentor, in about 5 min he had literally liberated me, helping me to see my weight gain in a whole new light. For so long, I had been so self loathing and beating myself up for my lack of self control, and blamed myself for being a pig. On face value…that was all true…I am not trying to make excuses for the decisions that I did have control over (ie what and how much I should eat), that had a direct affect on my weight gain… but his observations lead me to dig a bit deeper and I now realise that there were other contributing factors, outside of my control, that also lead to my demise. It was a lethal cocktail, of depression, self loathing combined with the medical condition of hypothyroidism…with these ‘in play’ I really stood no chance.

But knowledge is power and now, knowing what I do, I have this opportunity to turn my life/weight around. There is no use, wallowing in self pity…that will take me nowhere. It is of up-most importance for me to do the ‘mind work’ as well as the ‘body work’ to understand my emotional triggers so that I can turn things around and never again feel the ‘need’ to resort to old bad habits despite WHAT may be going on in my life at any given time. If I don’t do the ‘mind work’ now 5 years from now I will most likely be back in the same position i was 2 years ago…as depressing as that is…

My fatbloggers family at

have put out a challenge for us to be honest about our true reasons for getting healthy and loosing the flab. Well I have about 100 reasons but I will try to limit it to 10…I am very strong on talking to and about myself in a positive and light-hearted way so I want to tell you about a few things that I am really looking forward to about being healthy, fit, happy and fabulously flabuless. Some of these I will eventually use for my ‘The Lighter Side’ cartoon strip…but I think, even without the illustrations you will get the general idea.

1. I look forward to…being ‘on top’ without my partner needing a snorkel. (VERY IMPORTANT REASON)

2. I look forward to…going to the gym and blending in with the rippling, muscle men and bouncing diva’s instead of feeling so damned conspicuous all the time. (who knows, maybe one of those muscle men might actually make a pass at ME)

3. I look forward to…walking up stairs/hills & mountains…without the ‘flab’ stubbonly refusing to follow.

4. I look forward to…Running without having to cross my arms (ie to stop my breasts from flying over each shoulder)

5. I look forward to…being able to talk about the starving children in africa without people looking at me as though I was the one the caused it. (yes…it happened to me)

6. I look forward to…seeing my bikini line again (the most difficult part of my week is shaving…sorry for the visuals)

7. I look forward to…Looking and feeling a little less like a sumo wrestler when naked (I still get horrified when I look at myself in the mirror)

8. I look forward to…putting away the anti rash cream (Nearly there)

9. I look forward to…Not having to hide the ‘frayed’ patch at the crotch of my favorite pants. (I just purchased a couple more…lets see how long they last)

10. I look forward to…The underneath of my bed, no longer being a safe zone for my naughty three year old son (hmmm…self explanatory)

Come on guys…I have shared with you mine…what are yours? Leave a comment and let me know.

Ok…ok time to ‘fess’ up…you may have noticed that my ticker hasn’t moved at all in the last 4 weeks…well that’s because I am petrified to hop on the scales. I have had a really rough time this month a whole heap of things have been going on and are still ongoing and i must admit I have let myself go some…obviously with the lap-band there is a limit as to how much I can physically let myself go, but I have been eating more OFTEN than I have in the past…GRRR and biscuits too!

At the moment I just don’t think I am strong enough to suffer the disappointment of seeing that little ticker go UP not DOWN. I am depressed. I know that. I have these really compulsive behaviours when I am down and out…my indicator over the past few weeks is my obsession with the internet. At the moment I can’t live without it 24/7 I wake up at 9.30am spend the whole day on the internet…apart from mealtimes and go to bed at 2-3am in the morning. Now that has got to be unhealthy…my poor children have lost a mother… I have found ‘The Wiggles’ to be a great babysitter.

But, you know…although I KNOW its unhealthy behaviour it seems I am incapable of stopping it. Even now that I am writing this it is 12am and I don’t think I’ll get to bed till after 1am, probably 2am if I start getting emails from programmers on the opposite side of the time zone that are working on my various website projects at present. The internet has become my life at the moment. The ‘real world’ for me this month has just been disappointment after disappointment. People that I was close to have let me down… my finances are still in the red, my X is still an arsehole and on top of that I have lost my son to him for a week…probably just as well, I am in no fit state to be a mom at present. At least that’s how I feel.

My family say I am a ‘Drama Queen’ but all I see is that nothing good seems to come to me…or just when I think something great is just around the corner it gets snatched from me. At the beginning of march…good things were starting to happen, I had a man that appreciated me, I was taking on a business partner…someone I would trust with my life, my business project Sizexchange was just about to take flight, I was starting to loose weight again (after what seemed like a never ending plateau), I just felt GOOD about myself…’FLAB-U-LESS’… actually. But now its all a different story…People, that I was close to, have disappeared off the face of the earth with no reason, development seems to be stalled with my various web projects…I am under pressure on all sides business wise and personally my impending ’settlement’ court case with my X which is on Thursday has also been a big concern of mine. Nothing good is coming my way…and now the scales…I just cant bring myself round to face yet another disappointment. You know, I am sick and tired of struggling. I just wish good things would actually EVENTUATE in my life rather than being held out there like a lolly pop, teasing me, just to be taken away again. I guess, truth be told I am not coping as well as I ought. No wonder I am officially an ‘internet-aholic’.

Oh Bugger!…I made a pact with myself that I would keep my posts on Finding Flabuless, ligh-hearted and cheerfull…well…I didn’t want to scare you all off…but…you know…Hey, what is recorded above is ME the real Flabuless up close and personal, warts and all. The problem with being a person full of ‘passion’ and ‘energy’ is that when your UP your up so high that no-one can touch you but when your really, really down. I know I’ll survive…but that’s exactly my point…I don’t want to just go through life just ’surviving’ as I have been to date…I want to go through life ‘flourishing’ in leaps and bounds.

Do you know what I mean? Drop me a line if you do…I could do with some cheering up at present… Yes, Yes, this is a shameless and desperate call for support and encouragement.